Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Real Talk

This post is hard. And not fun. And I don't want to write it. I do this activity with my students and we basically end up saying that most of us remember the bad things that someone does, or that happen, instead of all the good things that happen. This blog is a way for me to remember those little good things that happen. It could be the things that happen on the weekend or the small things that make me smile. The less than fun stuff, or the bad stuff, I don't like to talk about it. I don't think anybody does. But, if I am going to be real on this blog, I need to be real. I was actually inspired to write this from Angi, over at Backroads and Microphones. She was so brave as she posted about a medical issue in her family. So real. Because of her, I think I finally have the confidence to put it all out there.

Things are not all happy and fun right now in my family. My mom is in the end stages of non-hodgkins lymphoma. My dad died of the same cancer when I was younger, and now as an adult, I get to see it happen all over again. We are thinking she has anywhere from 1-3 months left, but we are preparing for sooner. And it sucks. My mom named me executor of her estate. I think basically that means I am in charge once she passes. I am 30 years old, but when I am faced with all of this, I feel like a little kid. I don't really know what to do. When it comes down to it, I want to pout, take a nap and run away from everything. I know I need to be spending time with her, but I hate seeing her like this. And to be honest, I don't think she wants me to see her like this as well. When I asked if I could go over and see her last weekend, she said she didn't want any company or visitors. That hurt. But I respected it.

And now? I'm really not sure. I will call again. My friend asked me, when do I stop listening to my mom say she doesn't want people over, and I just go. I don't know. I know I need to see her, but it is so hard.

This blog is a supposed to be a fun place for me. And it is. Prayers for my mom to find peace are appreciated.


Ashleigh @ Made in Morningside said...

I'm so sorry, cancer is a horrible disease. I will be thinking of you and your family.xoxo

Makaila said...

I'm so sorry girl. I'll be thinking and praying for you..

Jen said...

I am so very sorry!! I hate cancer and the pain is causes!!!

Angi said...

Hey chica, I am so sorry about your mom. I can totally relate to what you said about being 30 but feeling like a little kid with all this stuff. Nobody should ever have to deal with sicknesses like these, it really feels unfair.

I'm glad you were brave too and posted this though - I definitely felt better after writing about my family stuff, it's therapeutic in a way - scary, but therapeutic.

I'll be praying for you - if you ever need to talk feel free to e-mail me anytime. Hug!!!

Dawn620 said...

I've been praying for your mom since she called me about her illness. You're familiar with that saying "everything happens for a reason" ... who knows what that reason is.

I know for a fact your dad misses your mom. She was the one true love of his life (until you showed up!!). Maybe that's the reason?

I wish I could take the pain away for you, dear girl. My heart aches for you. As for visiting your mom, don't let her have too much space. I know she doesn't want to burden you, but you just tell her you're coming regardless of her wishes. Tell her you need her now, and she can have all the space she requires in Heaven.

God bless you both.


Sara K {SaigeWisdom} said...

oh Casey, my heart breaks for you. Casey, I'm so sorry you have to go through this :( two of my very best childhood friends are experiencing the same thing with their dads and there are no words.
So not fair. If your mama isn't up for visitors, I wonder if she'd be up for reading 'letters from the heart'? - might be a way to tell her everything you're wanting to say without being face-to-face.
I was thinking of starting a similar back & forth notebook with my mom and sisters.

Michelle said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! You and your family are in my prayers. No one should ever have to deal with that.

Alison said...

I'm so sorry Casey. You're definitely in my prayers. It's so hard to deal with things like this. Keep your head up!

Anonymous said...

Love you Tomo